📢Breaking Toxic Relationship Patterns: Why Chasing Love Isn’t Connection

🔥You call it love.

I call it auditioning for the fantasy of a relationship you’ve built in your head. You know the fantasy:

• The one where they cared.

• The one where they showed up when you actually needed them.

• The one where, finally, they chose you back.

• Where you felt like you didn't have any anxiety in the relationship because you knew they weren't going anywhere.

Except it was just that...

a fantasy, a dream you built in your head based off what they said rather than what they actually gave back to you.

Like, be honest with yourself...was there consistency?

Did they show up when it really mattered to you?

When you had a shitty day at work?

No, you know they didn't.

Not when it mattered. They gave you just enough to keep you hoping, though. Just enough to keep you chasing. And if you’re being brutally honest with yourself:

You weren’t in love with them. You were in love with the potential of who they could’ve been if they’d just meet you halfway.

But they didn’t. And deep down? You knew that too. And so did I...

💔 The Version of Them You Loved Never Actually Existed

🔥I was never in love with my ex. I was in love with the version of him that never actually existed. I spent so long chasing him (3 years) this person I thought I loved. But looking back, I wasn’t loving, missing, or even desiring him. I was in love with this version of him I created in my own damn head.

A version where he was emotionally available. Where he’d finally show up without me begging or trying to convince him I was worth the effort. Where I didn’t feel invisible next to him in public. Where I didn’t have to keep lowering the volume on my needs just to keep his peace. But here’s what it really was:

Two emotionally unavailable people. He was avoidant. I was anxious. I chased. He ran. I wanted closeness. He wanted escape. And the more I leaned in, the faster he disappeared. I thought that meant I needed to prove something.

Be better.

Be quieter.

Be less.

And yeah, sure, he’d throw me just enough to keep me hanging. You know what I’m talking about. The little winky faces. The “I love you” thrown in at just the right moment. The “I’m not going anywhere.”

But since I'm not about lying to you... He was always going. He was going out with friends. He was going home without saying goodbye. He always "needed space" when I needed connection the most. It was a pattern!

He was everywhere… except with me. And when I brought it up? When I asked to be treated like I was someone special in his life who wanted his attention, I was

“too sensitive.”

“Insecure.”

“Overreacting.”

But here’s the part that really f*cked me up: I started believing him.

I started twisting myself into this palatable version of who I thought he could stay for. I made myself smaller.

• More reactive

• Less proactive.

• More "chill girl" (While I'm screaming internally to be appreciated).

• Less sassy (bye fun and charisma).

• Less confident personality.

I stopped asking for what I needed because every time I did, he used my needs as evidence that I was the problem.

And that’s how you get trapped in the cycle: You stop asking to be met because you’ve been trained to see your needs as a threat. And then you're chasing this story of a man, instead of the reality of who he is.

But now? Now I can say this with full clarity: I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t needy. I was just trying to love someone who only ever offered just enough to keep me confused.

🧠Why Chasing Feels Like Loving (But Isn't)

If you’ve ever chased someone while calling it “love,” if you’ve ever bent yourself into a pretzel trying to “not be too much,” if you’ve ever justified bare minimum effort as “well at least he said I love you”- I see you. Because I was you.

We all romanticize the struggle. We all want to believe that if we just love them hard enough, show them we’re different, stick it out through their cold spells then maybe, just maybe they’ll finally come around.

You’re managing their moods, editing your feelings, taking emotional responsibility for two people, and calling it “connection and commitment.” And you know what's even harder to admit? They give you just enough to keep the fantasy alive.

A flirty text when you're almost over them.

A memory shared like they miss you.

That random “I still love you” that hits right when you’ve started healing and finding yourself again.

But let me say this loud: “I love you” means nothing if it’s not backed up by presence, consistency, and effort.

And...

“I’m not going anywhere” hits differently when you realize they were never really with you in the first place. It’s not love. And if we're both being honest, It’s you getting to say, “look how low I can go just to feel a little bit of love from someone who never gave it to me freely.”

You know you’re exhausted, but you can’t stop chasing because the second you sit still… the truth creeps in. They're not meeting you there. They were never going to meet you there.

You’re the only one out here running laps proving to them that you're ok with being their maybe, or backup plan, while they sit on the sidelines like they’re the prize. You’re trying to build a future with someone who wouldn’t even take the time to build a safe space for your feelings.

🔥Stop Performing for Love: Start Breaking Toxic Relationship Patterns

Here’s the truth you’ve been avoiding - just like I avoided it for years: The chase doesn’t end because they finally get it. The chase ends because you finally get it.

You stop trying to earn love.

You stop confusing anxiety for passion.  

You realize that if you have to fight this hard to get a mediocre love life, you were never actually in a love life to begin with.

And, no, you’re not addicted to them, and no, you will not stop breathing if they aren't there. You’re just addicted to the hope that this time, it’ll be different. But let’s be brutally real:

The moment they saw your heart and didn’t step in with both feet? That was your answer. The moment they blamed your sensitivity instead of owning their absence? That was your answer.

Reality check: "The moment you Googled how to make them love you? " -That was your answer."

They’re not the one.

They’re the lesson or rather, A lesson (don't give them too much credit). Holding onto the fantasy version of someone keeps you locked in toxic loops instead of breaking toxic relationship patterns that are blocking real connection. You haven't learned what you want, just what everyone else wants for you.

🎯You’ve got better things to do than audition for someone who isn’t qualified to hold you...Period!